Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no