Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
When I face a minor setback
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.