Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I鈥檓 going to dine in you again
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 馃槶馃槶馃槶
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 馃ぃ
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That鈥檚 bulls.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn鈥檛 crazy about the lucky binky
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
him: you鈥檙e not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination