Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
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Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma