Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

yea so i messed up lol

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

ㅤ

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???