Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
New comic up. “Ransom”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
learning about math 🧐 📝
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
