Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I’d love this…lol
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Become ungovernable.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum