Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents