Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
bugs when you lift up a rock
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.