Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
You Might Also Like
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Church Pugh’s
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey