Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
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Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Admin smashed it 😂
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure