Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

😂