Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

ㅤ

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.