welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Worth a try
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]