welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Mad Max Arctic Road
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.