welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
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Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.