Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation

every man in east london

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor