Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

I’m just playing devils avocado here

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

oh she’s cooked

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”