Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
