Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

Sir!!

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda