Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.![]()
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Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.