Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Previously On Persistence 😎
sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.