Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Ain’t no way

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

Chicago sounds lovely.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:

1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.