Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses