Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.