Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.