Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”