Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Good point.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.