Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

channeling her this year