Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂