Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

This is the coolest video you will see today.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Just me and my debit card against the world

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.