Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.