Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.