Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.