Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.