welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…