Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*