welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
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writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Windows
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose