Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.

She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.