Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

they should create new variants of dopamine

when unicorns get really drunk

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.