*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
#Caturday
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs