well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
j o i m p
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..