Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.