Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.