Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What