Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
That was easy.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.