Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Can’t stop laughing
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.