Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon

Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

Why font matters.

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.