“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
i hate you platonically
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve