“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
What the hell happened in there??
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Brb my Sims are getting married
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children