Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

See..?

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So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what