Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.