The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*