‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
i meant to share this earlier
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Teach your children to beatbox
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
💁🏻♂️
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out