Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
You Might Also Like
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.