Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.