Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*