Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
There’s only one good girl here!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
english majors be like furthermore
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.