Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You Might Also Like
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
The first matador
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Just this preview of the story is enough
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
What number SPF blocks people?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not