Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
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👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.