“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My life coach traded me.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
men, we mow at sunrise.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
what
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”