“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.