Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

spicy snake