Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
You Might Also Like
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
ACED my prostate exam!
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.