Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Name this drama.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.