Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
three things we don’t talk about
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.