“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
#CoronaOutbreak
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.