“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
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[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
