Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.