Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money